you tube idol...

I have to write this before I listen to any radio shows so I can take full credit for the stupid jokes I am about to write.
I watched American Idol last night. The first couple of nights are the only times the show is worth watching. The rest of it is crap.
When the maniacs come out, that's when it's fun.
Sadly, more and more of the maniacs are clearly people who are just looking for some You Tube play.
The rest of this is only going to work for you if you saw the show.
IF you saw the show, you saw the "creepy" guy. There were actually three creepy guys and I will present them in creep magnitude, from lowest to highest.
The lowest guy on the creepy guy scale was the guy who pretended to be all in love with Paula. He stared at her a lot and sang a song with a lot of words that rhymed with stalk. Because, the song was about how he was going to stalk her.
If he was Colombo, he would Peter Falk her.
If she was a bathtub, he would caulk her.
These were the lyrics. It was obviously fake and only so he could see how many You Tube hits he gets today. I wish everyone would be nice and not look at him on You Tube.
The song wasn't bad. Kind of clever. I used to write similar stuff when I was 13 and reading a lot of Shel Silverstein poetry.

The second guy going up the creep charts was the sad 39 year old man who sang the song about No Sex Around Here, or No Sex For You, or No Sex At All Ever, or something like that. It was about a guy who's sexed-up girlfriend comes over his house for some sex, but how he was too strong to give in to her desires and rebukes her.
This was a work of total fiction.
Whatever the song was actually called, it really should have been called The Sour Grapes Song.
This guy claimed to be, beyond a singer/songwriter, a social worker. I have never seen someone who was a social worker, but who clearly needed a social worker so much at the same time before.
His head looked just like the teacher from The Incredibles. You know the one that Dash gets with the pin on the chair bit? Just like that. Only his head though.
The rest of him was a lot worse.

The MOST creepy guy on the show last night might make it under the radar. We'll see. I think people will pick up on this though it was not made a big deal of on the show.
The Asian looking fellow who whisper-sang the lullaby.
Yikes.
The producers of the show decided to make it look funny and silly like he was putting the judges to sleep, but I could picture the guy singing that song in that way while he tucked his girlfriend's body back under his mattress for safe keeping. Or, perhaps, while crushing kittens.

There was the fat guy in the Princess Laya costume who did the 40 Year Old Virgin bit of getting waxed. Didn't look staged at all.
There was the dorky chick in the Princess Laya costume who's parents were really old and probably had produced her with out of date genetic material.

And there was the football player chick who I won't really make fun of because she cried like she was six when she got turned down. It was very sad.
However, she was enormous. Not like she was just fat; she was a giant! The judges felt bad for her and went to give her a group hug, which, if they really wanted to hug her, they would have had no choice but to do. OH!!
Anyway, Paula went up to her to stroke her face and wipe some of her tears away, which was nice. It looked like an eyelash gently stroking a dirigible.
I expected to see Paula's feet kicking wildly out of the girl's mouth as she was swallowed whole.
But I'm not going to make fun of the sad girl.
I am Captain Ass-head!