the non-blog that satisfy...

There is the possibility that the missing "s" just fell off, or was written by the same guy who wrote the script for:



"We could win STEP Monster."
"You got a serious STEP, but this is a whole 'nother level."
"You keep STEPpin' like you been STEPpin' lately, I'll kill you my damn self."
"STEP Monster comp... against MY crew!?"
"The one, the only, STEP Monster competition!"
"This is the best STEP competition in the UNIVERSE y'all!"

That's seven STEPS, just in the 2 minute preview.
I wish the producers of this movie would take seven STEPS off a six STEP platform at the top of the Empire State Building.

strange wilderness...

For all you really need to know about this movie, please fast forward the preview to :54 and listen until :55, then loop.

Apparently, the big joke in this movie is the thing with the buck-tooth, somewhat, looking shark. It must be the big joke because it's shown for a full 1/5th of the preview.
Imagine you are this joke. You are not pretentious. You know your place in the world. You know you're a quick throw-away that is designed only to elicit a small chuckle and you are okay with that.
Then the producers come and unmercifully grind your face into the concrete until you are no longer causing chuckles or smiles. Instead, now, you are causing pain, grief and discontent and are reviled across the land.

Another big joke in the preview has the MAC dude asleep at a table, but no one can tell, because he has eyes tattoo-ed on his eyelids so when he has his eyes closed he looks like his eyes are open and the guys at the table are all talking to him like he is awake when he is really sleeping because he's, like, a total druggy, or something, and then other guys at the table yell at him because they are like, "What's with this guy? His eyes are clearly open yet he is not responding to our prompts. We should prompt him with more vigor.", and they yell until he is shocked into waking up and he tells them he has eyeballs tattoo-ed on his eyelids and they are all like, "Well. That's weird."

See how long it took you to read that? That's how long it feels like they dwell on that very old, been used since, I believe, Happy Days or Welcome Back Kotter, "joke".

The fat guy from SuperBad is in this movie and that seems like a shame.

I think this movie would be a lot better if Martin Lawrence was in it.

part 3 of 3...

Here are the final minutes of my small child quizzing me.

It's All About Me

I would actually be interested in a quiz book where the quizzes are designed for a small child to ask their parent.

Maybe small child and I should write one.

intermission...

Abide this small intermission in the ongoing 3 part swarvey and small child facadecast.
I have a sad, little confession to make.

For those of you who are not up-to-date, I will summarize.

The nice old lady who works at the Dunkin' Donuts used to refer to me as "hon" when I stopped by for my iced coffee in the morning.
One morning, I tapped the back bumper of a crazy woman in a Toyota truck who had the bad habit of stopping short in front of me. She told everyone in the Dunkin' Donuts that I was the devil for hitting her. From that point forward, the nice old lady stopped calling me "hon".
It bummed me out.
Yesterday morning, my small child and I stopped at the Dunkin' Donuts. I got my coffee and she got a wheat bagel and some milk. The total was $4.04. I gave the nice old lady at the window a 5-er. And told her to keep the change.

Ninety-four cents!! Good lord. That's like a 25% tip! Crazy.

Why did I do that? I hoped that, on a subliminal level, I would appear to be a good guy again and that she would call me "hon" some more.
I am both proud and embarrassed to say it worked.

I'm "hon" again. I bought my way back into the heart of the nice old lady at the Dunkin' Donuts.
It's so tawdry.

swarvey and small child part 2...

In this episode we look at the Annoy-O-Meter and I pick my nose and say totally a lot.

This is part 2 of 3.

Annoy-O-Meter

my small child and i made a facadecast...

My daughter quizzed me from the book "It's All About Me".
It's a quiz book for little girls.

This is part 1 of 3.



Quizzed by small child.

i had some water...

I decided to have my body fat and over-all healthy-ness level measured. I might have found a better way to spend my time and the 35 dollars it cost. It was a bit of a pain, and I mean that very specifically.
My body fat was measured with the calipers method. For those of you who are not familiar with this method, it's basically where a technician grabs your fat flabs with a pair of pliers and squeezes until little numbers pop out. Then they write those numbers down.
When the technician gets to the lovehandles area and pinches the crippity-crap outta you, it really, really hurts a lot.
Interestingly, the very next thing on the list of measurements for your over-all healthy-ness is a blood pressure check.
The pinching hurt to the point where I wanted to punch the dude in his throat. Like, climb into his throat and punch him from inside his throat, because I think that would be really unpleasant for him.
Not surprisingly, after the intense pain, my blood pressure was a little high.

This post is not about the process of getting my body fat measured, though. It's about what happened the next day. My fat content was higher than it really should be so I've made some alterations to my day.
One of the things I know I need to do is drink more water.
At lunch yesterday, I bought a large bottle of water instead of a Coke Zero.
This post is about the bottle of water.

After lunch, I needed to use... the facilities. I needed to use them in the way where you are in a sitting position, not a standing one.
I had the bottle of water with me,
When I was finished with the facilities, I forgot the water in the stall. I didn't remember that I had left it in the stall until 15 minutes later.
The water became a lost soldier. There was no way I could get that water back. Well, that's not accurate. I could get the water back, but there's no way I could ever drink it.
Even though I don't really think anyone in my professional environment would do any of these things, all I could picture was a guy dropping a booger into my bottle or rubbing his butt cheeks on it or, really, touching it in any way either while, or just after, using the facilities.
It was suggested to me that I just go get the bottle and deal with it. The thought of getting the bottle and drinking the water, while having the thought that some kind of hanky-panky went on with the bottle, was enough to make me almost throw up some.
A thought inside a thought. A thought of a thought.
I might need help.

facadecast 2...

A few days ago, http://swarveyland.blogspot.com/2008/01/thank-god-for-dunkin-donuts.html happened.




Then today...
Here.

r.i.p. heath ledger...

Steve called and informed me of the untimely passing of Heath Ledger. He was concerned that he, Steve, was a bad person, because, his first response to finding out that H.L. was dead,was, "Hey. What about Batman?"
I thought that I was a worse person, because, if the outcome of the investigation discovers that he, Heath, committed suicide, I will think that he is a giant a-hole. Another guy with a perfect life. Handsome, making all kinds of money doing what I only WISH I could do... Like, you jerkass, how dare you feel the need to commit suicide?
So I thought I was worse.
Steve countered with, "Yeah. But at least your reaction is empathic on some level. You're seeing humanity and commenting on it. All I'm worried about is how this is going to effect me being able to watch Batman movies."
This is not a direct quote. Another reason why the f-cast is a good idea. However, it is on target for the spirit of what he said.
He's right. He wins.
He is both worser and more assholier than I am.

Yay Steve!

welcome to facadecast number 1...

Working on the format.

Screwing around last night.

Not the best content or sound quality. Don't get your hopes up.