Monday, March 31, 2008

see that...?

This picture shows something flying from the back of the cars
driving down the highway. The road is wet and there is... uh, hmm...
What is that foggy kind of vapor made of small water droplets hanging
in the air? It's like a smoky, steamy...
Hmm...
What is the word I'm thinking of...?
Oh. Yeah.
It's MIST!!!

Stupid movie!

Worst ending-ed movie!

Harsh for the sake of being harsh ended movie!

Purposeful spoiler alert.
After Thomas shoots the people in the landrover with the gun with not
enough bullets, the Army shows up.
He shoots them all in the head, the people in the landrover, even
though there is no immediate danger. Like, he couldn't wait to shoot
these people.
Gah.
There. It is so spoiled. No need for you to watch it now.
Thank you.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

more playwritey class stuffs...

I'm behind on posts about the playwriting class I am in.
Sorry.

Here's this weeks assignment.

For reasons we have not been given yet, we were to listen to conversations going on around us, where ever we were, and capture interesting lines we heard. Six of them.

Here's my six, with some explanation.

1. (Angry sigh) Get the bucket!
This is from the failure at Dunkin Donuts. Look for a previous post on the subject. No need to go into details on it.

2. Your skin's too soft for jeans.
Some associates in the program I work for were making fun of another one for not wanting to wear jeans on casual Friday.

3. We have many different levels of quality of meat.
Some Spanish associates brought in special meat from their homeland. It is very expensive meat, but you can buy it for less and less money, which makes me nervous.

4. You are my pig.
Again, the Spanish associates. This is the literal translation of something you can say to women folk while in Spain. I asked if this was a good opening line, and they said, "Ha! No. You will get a smack." So, I don't know why they use it.

5. Did you know, if you drink water that is under 32degrees Fahrenheit, your body will burn 80 extra calories an hour?
Two sales-type women who apparently missed early science lessons.

6. Americans have a bubble of personal space, but, you have a BIG bubble!
A middle-eastern associate speaking the truth about me.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

some iphone crap...

There are some interesting applications available for a jailbroked iPhone. One of the ones I found is this:



You launch this app and are presented with a map of the world:


Turn your monitor to landscape mode if you want to see it presented correctly.
See where that little red dot is?
Here's the concept. You see the map and touch approximately where you are in the world. The program then prompts you to take a picture of whatever you are looking at at the moment.
Once you have done that, you can watch the little red dot move around the map, then show you a picture of what the person in that area was looking at. Somewhere else in the world, someone else is looking at the dot move to your area and then the picture you just took.

Like this:


It's an interesting idea. I sat and watched it for almost 20 minutes this morning while I was waiting at the car dealership. Pictures stay up for maybe 10 seconds, then are gone. Sometimes it's like fleeting glimpses into other cultures and lives. I've seen pictures of what look like missiles going through the sky. Women in burkas. Men with large mustaches. Like a living version of National Geographic.
However, that's only about 1/2 the picture.
The other half of the time, the applications name could be changed from:



To:

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

watching failure...

Good morning. It's been a while since I've had a good, old-fashioned Dunkin' Donuts post, so here is one.
This morning I stopped in the DD in the nifty rest area off 295. There was quite a line inside and I couldn't figure out exactly why, until I got to the front of the line.
This place works interestingly, because it never seems to be appropriately manned. There is a person at the register who also makes the coffees while the other person handles making sandwiches/bagels/pizza/omelets and whatever the hell else they make in a Dunkin' Donuts now.
Usually, it works very well and when I go into other stores, it sometimes seems like they have way too many people running around.
Unfortunately, when you have a chain with only two links, the weak link is really apparent and damaging.
There was the lady who is always there running the cash register and making the coffee, and the weakest link in the universe doing the other stuff.
He had a head that looked like the Wizard of Oz might want to connect a basket to it and float away to Kansas.
When I first saw him, he was making a bagel for someone. He was, not using the slightest bit of hyperbole, SLATHERING the bagel with massive amounts of cream cheese. When he slapped the top of the bagel on, it oozed down the sides. He had cream cheese on his knuckles. It was not pleasant to watch.
He wrapped it in paper, placed it in its bag, then went to put the little sticker on the bag that held it closed, like they do. Sadly, he dropped the bag on the floor. It almost opened, but not quite. He was safe and did not have to make another bagel. He stood up and went to put the sticker on the bag, but in the process of bending over to get the bag from the floor, he managed to stick the sticker to itself and wrap it around one finger. He must be very cost-conscious, because instead of just ripping it off and getting another one, he took some measure of long seconds to carefully pick the sticker off itself and his finger, then stick the wrinkled thing on the, now wrinkled, bag.
His face, big face, was an uncomfortable shade of red by the end of the process.
He looked at me and said, "Did you want a bagel?"
I was about to say, "Hell no." when a guy who had been sitting at a table since I got there stood up and said, "Yeah. That's mine. Thanks."
The action of his grabbing the bag combined the tone he used, made me think his "Thanks." might not be completely sincere. Maybe I'm just too negative.
After he was done mangling making the dude's cream cheese with bagel, he was free to do other things. When there are no food items to be made, the second person moves to the register and works coffee with the first person. Honestly, when it's working right, it's a very efficient process.
It wasn't working right.
As the competent lady was already working on someone else's order, I got my coffee made by ol' hyperthyroid head.
He stumbled around a little bit, missed the cup with the milk, fumbled some Equal in, began to add the coffee and dropped the whole thing on the ground.
He slammed his hand onto the counter and said, "Ahhhhgh!!"
His head, big head, was an uncomfortable, and unhealthy looking, shade of purple by the end of the process.
The competent lady shook her head severely at him at told him to get the bucket.
I think that's how you know when you are a failure, when someone shakes their head at you and tells you to get the bucket.

Monday, March 24, 2008

iphone...

I wanted to make sure I actually kept the thing this time before I wrote about it.
See, a couple of weeks ago, I bought a 16gig iPhone, after I discovered the phone had been updated to work with Exchange servers.
I was saddened to find that it, the concept of WORKING with Exchange servers, right now, only extended as far as giving the phone the capability of PULLING mail from a server. It was not a Blackberry clone. No live mail, no calender syncing, even if my IT department gave the phone access, which they did not.
The end price for the 16gig unit was over 550 dollars. It basically cost the same as my PS3. Yeeks. While it is a very cool thing, it is just not a 550 dollar level cool thing.
So, as I do now and again, especially with Apple products, I brought it back. Without being able to use it as a replacement for the Blackberry, I just couldn't justify the cost. Sitting here now, I have to be honest and say that even if it could directly replace the Blackberry, the 550 dollar price tag was giving me heart palpitations.

Raj, the dude from the non-podcast a couple of posts below, berated me for being spineless. He asked, "Why do you need a Blackberry? Why do you need constant connection to your email? Why do you suck so much?"
These were questions I had been asking myself, but didn't have the gumption to raise myself.
Even though, after returning the iPhone, I was back in Blackberry land, I asked my manager why I was. I sit in front of my machine, in the back of a classroom, 95% of the time. Why depend on email on my phone? How often did I get an email I needed to respond to immediately? In an emergency, who sends an email?
The overwhelming majority of email that comes through my phone has nothing to do with me. But, as the phone keeps vibrating in my pocket, I keep looking at all these mails. Really, is it needed?
He stopped me about halfway through my tirade, just as I was getting good and worked up, by saying, "I don't care if you have a Blackberry or not. If you get the work done that needs to get done, it doesn't matter to me how you do it."
This sucked the steam from my sails. (Can you find the mixed metaphor?)

So, one planet aligned.

Er... That doesn't actually make any sense. One planet cannot align. It's just a planet in a place where it is.
Hold on.

After I found out that I didn't really NEED to have a Blackberry anymore... nothing happened. I still couldn't justify the 550 dollar cost. It was just too much.

Last week, Engadget ran a story about AT+T running a special on refurbished 8gig iPhones. 250 dollars.
250 dollars was a lot more palatable the 550. Even if it was only for 8gigs.
My quest, once, was to find a device that answered all of my tech needs.
I wanted something that was a phone, and an MP3 player, and a camera with both still and video, and a game player, and a full internet experience-er, and a bunch of other unreasonable things.
I've given up on that quest for now. I think in about 5 years, we'll be there, but not now. So I was good with only 8gigs because I wasn't going to even care about carrying ALL my music. I was only going to carry my emergency back-up tunes and was okay with that.

(EDIT- Actually, a company has created a device that answers everything, seemingly. But, it looks like this:




See the full details on Engadget.)

So, now we can see two planets aligning. No need for Blackberry and reasonable price.

However, there was no way I was going to be able to get my hands on a refurb'ed phone. I just wasn't that lucky.
But I figured I'd give it a try to see what happened. I walked into my local AT+T store and asked the dude who worked there if they had any of the refurb'ed iPhones.
He blinked at me a couple of times and said, "Yeah. We have a couple."
I said, "Okay. Can I have one?"
He blinked at me a few more times and said, "Yeah. I'll go get it."

I think I was accidentally using the Jedi Mind Trick on him. I wish I could remember how I did it, because it's really handy.

He said, "I'm not actually supposed to sell this to you. They are supposed to be for new customers only. You're not even supposed to know they exist. That'll be 250 dollars."

So, really, four planets aligned. No Blackberry need, low price, I found one, and the dude let me buy it.
I believe the phone gods wanted me to have one.
So, now I do.

And, get this, for the most part, I am really happy with it.
Of course, there are issues, but there always are. Stay tuned for another post at another time as this is getting wordy.

iBaaaahhhh!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

happy easter...

Looks like she's down with collage making as well...
***slobber***

Can you make it through the genius that is Baby Got Book?

Friday, March 21, 2008

sorry about that...

Stove, smallchild and myself just went to the local mall to enjoy a Good Friday lunch consisting mostly of red meat.
Also, I had to go to the Apple store. Shut up.
On the way out, we were noticing signs which read, in effect:

Please use our new machines inside the mall to pay for your parking before you go out to you car.

It said, please do. I did not say, you must. The machines are spread out within the various levels of the mall, but of course, everyone was trying to use the one right near and entrance/exit. They formed a long line, and I didn't feel like waiting. Stove mentioned that the lines were probably so long because people were assuming it would be impossible to get out unless you paid at an inside machine. We actually heard people having a conversations saying exactly that.
I assumed that this is a transition period and that they are moving towards customer HAVING to pay inside before going outside. They would be out of their mind to think they could throw up a couple of signs and everything would be okay and that people would just comply. Or even NOTICE the signs.
I was correct.

When we got to the exit to the garage, the cashier booths were still manned and they were still taking money just like before.
I was curious about what the process was going to be in the future. As I was paying the cashier, I asked if the mall was moving towards a total "pay inside" structure.
She said, "Yes."
I said, "Okay! Thanks!"

As soon as I thanked her, I realized I had essentially asked, "Hey, are you being made redundant? Hey, is your livelihood being done away with? I only ask so that I will be prepared for the inconvenience/aggravation your being displaced from your employment will cause me next time I need accessories for my iPhone. Okay, thanks, soon-to-be-force-reduced person!"

I didn't mean for that to read like a Brian Regan bit, but it does.
Oh well.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

my starbucks idea...

Well, not MY Starbucks idea, but the ideas of others. Starbucks has implemented a site that will allow people to make suggestions to improve the overall experience of going to Starbucks.

Check it HERE!

Many people are asking for free WiFi in Starbucks.
I hope, somewhere, someone paid for WiFi so they could get onto this site and suggest free WiFi.

Let's look at some specific suggestions, shall we?

Play the music a little softer, so that I can make business calls from my cell phone and it's not so obvious that I'm out in public.
You lazy bastard. Stop making phone calls from a coffee shop. No one else drinking coffee there wants to hear you butter someone up to purchase your crap anyway. Find an office. Hell, just find a room. Bah.

I find it hard to venture off to new things because I'm not sure if I'll like them or not. $4.50 is a lot to spend on coffee you're unsure about.
Please look up the definition of "suggestion". What you have posted is really more of a "comment", and a "useless" one at that.

more coffee smells
***blank stare*** ***blink, blink***

Live jazz ... poetry readings ... short film festival hosting ... BBQ fair
I am assuming this is a joke. Have you ever been INSIDE a Starbucks? They tend to not be amphitheater-ish. Beyond that, I don't see a strong connection betwixt coffee and BBQ.

I think first Starbucks should offer free internet. I am a law student and have spent 2 1/2 of those 3 years in law school at my favorite local Starbucks. So it would be nice to have one or two comfy study desks for students to spread out. I always fell guilty using the handicap table.
I guess I am out of the coffeehouse loop. Is it really an establishment's responsibility to give you a comfy place to sit and study all day? Suppose everyone who came in wanted to spend the day on a nice couch? How could everyone be accommodated?
Leads us back to the above suggestion. Maybe the ultimate Starbucks suggestion would to open a furniture store sized location with 1000 couches and free WiFi.

Many Batista's like my idea of recycling my coffee sleeve. Three reasons why. First, I'm recycling.

Second, I order the same drink every time only the size of the cup changes. My sleeve has my order already printed very legibly on it so any Batista at any Starbucks location can read it. My name is also printed on it!! (Its kind of funny when they see a sleeve from the December holiday promotion in the month of July)


Third, Batista's like that it speeds up the order taking, and I never mess up my order of "Venti-Soy-No Whip-7 pump chocolate-180 degree-....Mocha." ..Whew!!

I would suggest this person be careful of their shoulder ligaments while patting themselves on the back, but as they are drinking a "7 pump chocolate" drink, they probably can't get their arms up that far.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

non-podcasting with Raj from UK...

For some background and/or context prior to listening, go to:
Sikh

Sikh experiences in Hopkinton, MA and thereabouts

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

soundtracks...

Life with a soundtrack...

Stay tuned for the slow motion/soundtrack movie coming soon.


video

Sunday, March 16, 2008

horton hears a... what!? revisit...

I so don't like the pro-lifey types, but not for the easy to guess reasons. I went to the Horton movie with smallchild and the movie itself was just fine. Funny enough with some astounding visuals, it was certainly one of the more entertaining children's movies I've seen in a while.
What was annoying was the fact that the question of if it is a pro-life or not was in my head. The story of Horton has been in my awareness since kindergarten. Never did I wonder what the message was. Beyond the being a good, supportive friend is a nice way to live one, I mean.
Now, because of the pro-life crowd, I was wondering. The context connection shouldn't even be in my head at all.
I found myself questioning what the movie was really about. Jerkwadasses.
In case you missed it in a previous post, pro-lifewads protested outside the premiere of the film. This is odd a little, but for reasons other than the obvious ones.
If they thought the movie was supportive to their cause and way of thinking, why protest? Buncha weirdos.
Here's their logic. The central point of the story is:
A person's a person no matter how small.
Get it? That's the theme they're rallying around. Because a single cell is really a person, too. A person in a town with funny contraptions... Kinda loses me, really.
They must also dig the fact that the mayor of Whoville has 96 children. There does not appear to be much family planning support of any kind. There is a Whodentist, but I didn't see a Whoclinic anywheres about.
So pro-lifes see that the movie is a pro-life parable kinda deal.
I hate that I was even wondering if they were right.
IF that is what it is, it comes out of a mind that is challenged. I mean, challenged beyond just weird rhyming structure/bizarre visuals writer guy stuff.
I mean factually challenged.

The other big repeated statement in the movie is:
An elephant's faithful,one hundred percent.
One hundred percent is a lot. Its more than you think. If you are in technology you understand.
If you sell some network or data supplying thing to some dude, you cannot promise 100% uptime. If a customer wants his thing to be available to him most of the time, like 99.999% of the time that's a LOT and it is a very expensive promise to pay for. If you wanna slap another 9 on the end there, the price skyrockets.
99.99999% uptime is the Holy Grail.
100% is not possible.
If an elephant was faithful, one hundred percent, you would never, ever see one go all squish-the-guy when it is mistreated.
But you do. Yes, you do.
If one central point is inherently flawed, the other must be as well.
A person's a person, not matter how small, but let's not be unreasonable.

Friday, March 14, 2008

gary...

Gary Shand-my-face-down-will-you?


Before.


Before.


Before.

AFTER!


He managed to have all the character surgically removed from his face. A little tuck here and there isn't bad, I guess, but why would you want to look like a person you NEVER looked like?
He didn't look like that during Larry Sanders.


Look at poor Jeff Tambor trying to act like everything is okay. I remember when I was a youth working in a convenience store. There was a guy who worked with me who was totally bald. Just no hair whatsoever.
One day he came in with a full head of hair. He kept looking at everyone one, almost daring them to say something. But no one did at all.
I assume there must have been a similar non-conversation between Jeff and Gary.

I wonder if Gary had his voice surgically deepened as well.

this is the first time... let's not over react...

magic eye...

I hate to post anything here that is not directly out of my head in one way or another, but I just like this too much.

It's a Magic Eye and it might be the best one ever.



You have to click on it to see it full size to be able to do it.

local facial topiary...

Hi everyone.
Meet Tony Shukes.


Tony says, "Yo." Say "Yo." everyone.

Tony went shopping for a new vehicle at Balise Toyota.

Shop, Tony! Shop!

Tony has some horrible facial hair.


We don't like your facial hair Tony! We don't like it!

Here is a car dealer telling Tony his facial hair is "over the top", while Tony looks dejected.



We have hurt Tony's feelings. Sorry Tony.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

bottles of pee...

Staying on the gross-out/GIMP'ed picture track for another day.

While driving down the highway, have you ever noticed bottles of urine on the side of the road?
I gather that drivers, I am assuming man drivers, occasionally get hit with an overwhelming need to go number 1 while driving. Instead of finding a convenient place to get out of the car, like a rest stop or something insane like that, they utilize whichever container they happen to have on hand, then huck the container out the window.
This is an unpleasant practice.
I've noticed that, for some reason, these are frequently Pepsi bottles. It might say something about the Pepsi purchasing demographic. Like, it might say that less than intelligent people buy a bunch of Pepsi sodapop and go driving all over the place then are apparently surprised when all the sodapop they just drank has to come back out again so they refill the bottle they just emptied.
Sometimes, its not a Pepsi bottle, it's a Snapple bottle. At least, with the Snapple bottle, you have a larger entry way for your self. You are more likely able to complete your actions without getting damp. Given the size of the mouth on a bottle of Pepsi, I can't see the process going smoothly or non-back-splashingly.
The difference in the levels of fullness is what confuses me the most.
Often, the bottle looks like this:


Occasionally, the bottle looks like this:


I am curious how this happens. I don't know if it is possible for a person to carry that much fluid around in their bladders. And, if they are carrying that much fluid around, it would have to have built up over a considerable period of time. If it's building up for a considerable period of time, wouldn't it occur to you? Wouldn't the normal biological alarm buzzers be going off for a while?
That much having to go, it wouldn't sneak up on you, is what I'm saying.

The other answer, I guess, is that there are people who have a bottle sitting around the car for just this reason. And it fills up over a period of time. You could keep in in the glove compartment, I imagine.

It's a practice I can't see being a big hit with "the ladies".

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

local news...


On the local news yesterday, they were presenting a story about a recent e-coli breakout of some kind. The graphic they displayed under the video for the story said:

Dangerous e-coli

I'm glad they qualified which kind of e-coli they were talking about. The dangerous kind, as opposed to the other kind. Like what the Girl Scouts use in their very popular E-coli Crunch.

Monday, March 10, 2008

play writing class...

The task was to write something in the style of someone else.
Here's what I wrote:

Fred Wakes Up
In the style of Douglas Adams


Frederick Planter woke up one morning and realized all the things he had been having a hard time remembering were no longer troubling him. Those things became less of a concern as he was now not able to remember anything at all.
He didn’t know where he was or how he got there. He didn’t know who he was. He was somewhat sure that his name was Frederick Planter, but that was only because he found a large piece of paper on the table beside the bed he had been sleeping in with that name on it.
It somehow did not concern him that that name was the last one in a long list of names that had been crossed out. It seemed to fit.
He made his way downstairs to the kitchen to begin making a nice pot of tea and was confused by the fact that he was not at all confused as to where the teapot was kept. If he could not remember anything, which he was sure he could not, how did he know where the teapot was?
Further, it occurred to him that he was thinking these things via an internal monologue. There was vocabulary being used to represent the thoughts he was having.
“Clearly, I must remember some things…”, he began to say, then stopped when he realized the sounds that came out of his mouth when he spoke, were not the same sounds he heard when he talked to himself in his head.
This frightened him quite severely.
He began to pull various images out of his head to see what he thought the words for them were.
He pictured a small, friendly animal with four legs, covered in fur that barked occasionally. The fur did not bark, the animal did, he corrected himself. The animal, his mind said, was, “Dog.” His voice, however, said, “Geegawk.”
This process was repeated several times with the same effect, only using different sets of mind words that made sense matched with mouth words that did not.
While he was lost in thought, naming things then hearing the wrong names for them come out of the front of his face, he managed to burn the water he heating up for tea.
He looked down, saw the water singeing and experienced a feeling very close to vertigo.
“Water can’t burn,” he said out loud in words that didn’t mean anything to him.
The instant he recalled that water could not burn, it didn’t.
No longer in the mood for tea, he put the kettle aside and stood looking out what he thought was a window. As he didn’t see anyone coming up the walk to explain what was going on (and he so desperately wanted to see exactly that) he went into the bathroom and took a shower.
In the shower he was overcome by a depth of loneliness and sadness he had never felt before. Unless, of course, he had, but forgot.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

horton hears a... what!?

Check this out from the fine, responsible, upstanding people over at the TMZ:

All hell broke loose at the Hollywood premiere of "Horton Hears a Who!" today when a group of pro-lifers infiltrated the screening, then chanted anti-abortion slogans after the flick.

The theme of the movie is based on the motto: "After all, a person is a person, no matter how small." So the pro-lifers thought it was a good idea to use this theme to their advantage -- even though their complicated message was falling mostly on the ears of children.

The stars in attendance included Victoria Beckham and her three kids, Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy, Steve Carell and all 12 contestants from "American Idol."

After the chanting ended, the group put red tape over their mouths that said "Life" on them, and paraded around the event.

Shouts of protest were returned by some in attendance, including, "This is a kid's premiere," "How dare you," and "Do you really care that much about this?"


Hobbies, everyone. Get them.

smallchild and i non-podcasting again...

My sister Renee' commented on a previous non-podcast asking when smallchild was going to get the chance to answer some questions.

Here are some comments.

I know a tooth is not a bone.
I apologize for the chewing.
My daughter is more normal than I am as she was self-conscious recording in the Burger King, and I just don't care at all.
I was hoping there would be more interesting stories.
This one kid kept going back and forth refilling his family's soda cups. Over and over.
The question, "Have you ever found money?", feels uncomfortable. Like the grammar is off, but I don't know why.
She has totally ripped her pants.
Hear the Bee-Gees in the background? Tragedy. Oh yeah!

Swarvey and smallchild make another non-podcasty thing.

smallchild and i hunt a bird...

Smallchild saw a bird flying around the landing of the floor above us and talked me into helping her find it, even though birds totally creep me out.
I think it is still looking for us.

Creepy bird.

4 los 5...

Day four and I'm still hanging in.
Have to admit to losing (or loosing, if you spend a lot of time in the GOITER) interest.

Here we go:
video

notice...

This is some building we live in.
I came home the other day to find this taped to the entryway door and throughout the innards of the building:


Poor dudes. I wonder how much money, exactly, was lost for them to come up with the sum of five hundred dollars ($500) as the reward?
I bet it was a lot.
I'm sure they'll get it back. Given how sweet people are to each other. You know.
Heck, I'm only 85% sure that I'D give it back and I'm at least halfway decent.
I should ask them, if they get the money back, to see if they could also locate the first Blackberry Curve that ATT had delivered to my house. It went missing as well.

I tried a similar method to get it back. My sign said:

IMPORTANT NOTICE

IF ANYONE FOUND A SHINY NEW BLACKBERRY CURVE IN THE FOYER WHERE THE DOPES AT FEDEX JUST DROPPED IT WITHOUT THINKING OF GETTING A SIGNATURE OR ANYTHING, PLEASE RETURN IT TO SWARVEY.
ANOTHER CELL PHONE (other cell phone) IS BEING OFFERED FOR THE RETURN OF THE FULL BLACKBERRY CURVE.

LOOK AT THIS! NICE, RIGHT?
GIMMEE MY PHONE BACK!!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

los 5 video 3...

I bet you thought I forgot about this, didn't you?
Three days in a row and still following the same topic? Can't be.
Well it is!
Ha, HA!

Eat hot VIDEO.

video

los 5 magnificos...

Check this out. Big thanks to the M for giving me the heads up.
If you do a Google search for Los 5 Magnificos, Swarveyland is the ninth result.
Must be a very popular show.

Friday, March 7, 2008

I can't decide...

Is it them who is the weird or is it the me?
Do the they not care enough about stuff or does the me care too much?
As a human being, I sometimes have to go to the bathroom. Its okay. Its a natural thing. We can talk about it.
When I go to the bathroom, I want privacy. I will usually not announce to a room when I am leaving to go to the bathroom, but, if I were to announce that I was going there, I'm really probably not going to say what I'll be doing while I am in there.
Other guys just don't seem to care as much as I do, which is fine, though confusing to me.
Like, I would never do this.
Go into a bathroom stall, pull my pants down and sit there, with my employee photo ID still connected to my pants so that anyone who walks in can plainly see the ID and say, "Hey. There is Swarvey. Looks like he's dumping it up. Good for him."
There are people who do this and I don't know if they are weird for doing it or if I am weird for noticing and endlessly going on about it.
There was a guy doing it today. Imagine if I took a picture to show you all. That would be weird.
Edit- I actually did think about taking such a picture, but I realized how weird and creepy that would be.

Edit, edit- I actually was going to take a picture, but I caught myself and stopped.

Edit, edit, edit- Okay. I took the picture but saved myself by catching on to the creep factor before I posted it.

Edit, edit, edit, edit- I took the picture and was totally going to post it, but the quality was crap. I'm all about the quality.

second los 5 video...

Look at me, hanging with a concept for two days in a row.
I'm so proud of me.

This one is shorter.

video

Thursday, March 6, 2008

kashi go lean crunch...

My fearmongering doctor has convinced me that Cheerios are actually junk food and really, really bad for me, especially when consumed covered in soy milk. Just horrible.
I don't drink or smoke or eat a lot of red meat and spend at least five hours a week in the gym. But I do eat Cheerios with soy milk. What was I thinking!? What a gluttonous, unhealthy lifestyle I lead.
You can hear the sarcasm in the above, I hope. But, as I am deathly afraid of death, I listened to him and switched up to the much more healthy Kashi Go Lean! Crunch, with skim milk.

Basically, this is a box filled with little, epoxied together groupings of razor sharp gravel bits apparently designed to make you lose weight by causing the process of eating to become unbearably painful.
I needed a blood transfusion after finishing my first bowl.
Now, you can see through my cheeks.
Eat at your own risk.

better video...

Get ready for five days/five videos from Los 5 Magnificos.
I attempted to recreate, more or less, what happens when smallchild and I watch the show. Assume the captions are me saying stupid things.
This isn't totally analogous as I had some prior knowledge on where the show was going when I made the vid and don't when we watch the show, but I guess it's close.

Here is number 1!

video

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

here's some bad video for you...

Some people who read complain when I put anything recorded up, anything that isn't straight pictures and text, because they can't listen/view from everywhere.
Well, at least the stuff that I put in formats different from straight text/pics is really good quality and worth the time to watch/listen to.

I've decided, however, that this here concept was ill conceived and not nearly as funny or cool as I thought it was going to be.

Now that I've built it up so much...
video

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

play writing class...

Instead of writing about what happened at the play writing class I am taking, I will show you some of the things I write while I am taking it.
Interesting, right?

Let's go.

Last night was the first night of the class. One of the exercises was to have another member of the class pick a picture for you out of a large selection. When you have your picture, you were to write a monologue based on the character in the picture as you perceive him/her.
We had about ten minutes to write.
Here's my picture, and what I wrote. Enjoy.


So it's been, what now? Sixty minutes?
An hour I've been sitting here with this stupid picnic basket waiting for him.
I mean... a picnic basket.
It's not like I had a picnic basket sitting around the house waiting to be used, you know. No. I had to go out, specifically, to purchase one.
And now, I own one.
And he hasn't even called me.

I can't believe I was excited. I think, unless I am totally delusional, which I have not discounted, that I was actually humming, "Saturday, in the park, I think it was the fourth of July...", while I was making the frigging peanut butter and banana sandwiches he asked for then tucking them into my brand new picnic basket.

Picnic basket. Stupid thing. If I don't hear from him in five minutes, I am going to set it on fire. Then I am going to smoke another cigarette. Then, I might cry a little bit. Then I am going to find him, light another cigarette and kick him.

Damn it.
I'll probably just go home.
But I am definitely smoking more cigarettes.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

vantage point...

If I were following the prescribed rules for a responsible citizen of the Globally Organized Intranetwork of Thinking Electric Rigs, or the GOITER, I would preface the following post with a suitable SPOILER alert. Something like this:

****HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!! YO HO!!****

Note that I am very specifically NOT making such a warning. I am going to spoil the movie Vantage Point for you, but I want it to be spoiled for you before you go see it so you have no desire to go see it at all.

There are many, many things wrong with this movie, but I am only going to be able to pay attention to this topic long enough for maybe three or four of them.

1. Here is the biggest spoiler. I'm just going to get it out of the way. If you've never seen a movie before, the revelation I'm about to expose might have been a shock to you, but if you have, it shouldn't be.
Matthew Fox is a BAD GUY. There. Now you know. You might have been able to figure it out by observing the way he did every single thing he did in the movie.
For example:
Dennis Quaid's character says, "Hey! I think I know who the bad guy is! I'm going to go chase him now!"
Matthew Fox's character says, "NO!! No, no, no, no, no!! Don't do that! I'LL do that, because, if, uh... anything goes wrong, I'll take the HEAT for you! Yeah! That's the ticket!"
Matthew Fox's character was living a double life, as a Secret Service agent and as an international terrorist. As you can imagine, this double life is quite draining. He actually says, really and for true he says, "I'm glad this double life is over."
Because, in case you missed it, he was living a double life.
One of the bummers in the movie is that no one's motivations are made clear or even referred to at all.
So, he's living a double life. Okay. How come? What's in it for him? How did he come to it? Why should we care even a tiny, little bit?
Then, uh, later, he dies and everyone says, "Oh. Now he is dead."

2. This is machine of war, possibly imported from Israel:

I know it doesn't look like much, but it is a powerful car. It's sporting a 627-cubic-inch engine which uses racing-derived lightweight technology, including titanium connecting rods and intake valves, to help boost horsepower and rpm capability and is rated at 805 horsepower. When you put the pedal down, it sounds like the growling of a thousand angry tigers.
It can smash through other cars with no ill effects. It can drive down flights of stairs at top speed and maintain its perfect alignment.
It has rally car handling.
It will totally protect you from the same kind of collision that creamed Trinity's phone booth.
It is, using no uncertain terms, a supercar.
3. Terrorists have the best cell phones. The main bad-guy's cell phone could do almost anything. One of the things it did was to act as both the visual aiming device and the firing mechanism for a high-powered sniper rifle. Meaning the terrorist dude was looking at the screen on his cell phone and could see what the scope saw and he could move the gun around and aim it correctly with his stylus. Whew. I can't get on You Tube with my phone.
M claims that this is all perfectly reasonable, especially since they have much better phones and cell service in Europe.
Okay. Say for a second that the phone thing is possible. What about the gun setup?
Doesn't the secret service tend to check out the vicinity around where the president is going to be speaking? I mean, I don't expect them to know the contents of every room within a 5 mile radius because that would be unreasonable.
But how about the rooms that look DIRECTLY down on the stage and podium where the president is going to be? I mean, the buildings are supposed to be emptied of people. The only real way to be sure they are empty of people is if someone CHECKS. Are the Secret Service so concrete that they will only clear the building of people, but shrug off the presence of an electronically manipulated sniper rifle pointing right out the window? There's no way, if you looked in the room where the gun was, that you would not notice a gun WAS.

Of course the gun was then used to shoot the president who wasn't actually the president and the courtyard he was in (but not really) was blown up as a diversion so the terrorists could kidnap the real president who was in another building by getting some special forces dude to break into the room where he was because the terrorists were holding the guy's brother hostage, except they had already killed the brother so they weren't really then they get the president though we never know why, exactly.
Steve and I believe they were going to use the, "Neener, neener! We gots your President!" tactic.
I also hate people in movies who clearly have never seen any movies.
The two main terrorists are driving in the ambulance with the president in it (don't ask) and they have another guy who was with them to... well... he was shooting with a video camera for GNN (THE GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK) and he... uh, shot some footage of the protesters... um... and that's about all he did, really. Not sure why he even came on the trip, honestly.
So, the two main terrorists are talking about "tying up lose ends" and the guy actually says, "What lose ends?"
I've seen movies. If I'm ever sitting near two people who are talking to each other about tying up lose ends after we just kidnapped the president, I'm jumping out the back of the ambulance.
Gosh this movie was the crap.

rick goes...

90% of the people who read this know where I was last night, but for the one or two who might be reading who do not, I will explain.
Through Steve, I know a guy named Rick. Rick is an avid hiker, but still manages to be a pretty interesting dude. He is, I believe, a cartographer. His job, more or less, is to map the bottom of the ocean. He goes out on ships for long periods of time, sailing out around Alaska, watching and mapping the ocean floor.
He bought a farm and weights about 11 pounds.
Last night, there was a party held for him. Kind of a going away party. In about a week, he is taking a flight to Maine. He's going to hang around Maine for a couple of days, then take a flight to Georgia. From Georgia, he's going to hike the Appalachian Trail back to Maine. It should take six months.
I am awed by someone who could reasonably be expected to do someTHING for six months straight.
I know that one of the concepts that make a blog or whatever successful, is consistency. Pick a topic and write about it. Every day. If people like your topic, they will read about it, every day.
As I think I have talked about before, any niche thing you can think of, any hobby or pursuit, if you can think of it or are a little interested in it, it's someone else's entire life. Probably quite a larger group of someones than you could have guessed.
I'm not going to go deeply into it because I have already. My point is, find one of those things, write about it, and let people who love that thing know you are writing about it. Unless you are horrible, a lot of them will read a lot of the time. You will have a successful blog.
Rick is going hiking for six straight months. I can't write about ghost pictures on the internet for more than three days without losing interest.
Several people who read told me they really liked the ghost picture series, too. Does that inspire me to go do some more ghost picture posts? Not as much as it would a person with a successful blog.
I can't pay attention to anything, therefore pay attention to everything.
If you have funny wiring in your brain, you will understand that last sentence.
Here's a good example.
Rick is a well liked guy. Which he should be, as he is, from what I've seen, an honestly decent dude. As he is well liked, there were quite a few people at the party last night to see him off. So, there were many conversation going on at the same time.
As the party was winding down, I was involved in one small collection of conversations, but could still hear people saying good-bye to Rick.
I heard:

Take care of yourself!
Be careful!
Be safe!
Good luck!

These things are all really appropriate as what he is doing is dangerous and arduous and something the rest of us are only going to read about. It's like, the hiking equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. It's not as dangerous, outright, but it takes sooo much longer that the danger level increases. Where people climbing Everest might lose some toes or the occasional nose or, like, die, people who hike the App trail can change their entire physiology. The typical person drops 20 pounds. As I've said, Rick weighs 11 pounds, so that's going to be a good trick.

I suggest you look into the trail yourself. It's a big deal.

What I didn't hear anyone say, as they were leaving the party, were things like:

Have a good time!
Enjoy yourself!
Have fun!

I'm not saying no one said those things, I'm saying I didn't HEAR anyone say those things. I have ADD, but I am not omniscient, as much as I would really like to think I am.
When I was leaving, I asked him if it was appropriate to say, "Enjoy..."
"Yourself?", he finished.
He said that it was appropriate and that he intended to do just that.
I said I thanked God for that, because, if you're going to do something huge like this but NOT enjoy it...?
"Don't do it?", he finished. And agreed.

HAVE FUN, RICK!

As a side note to my not being able to pay attention to anything, I have to give big props to M for throwing me off course last night. He swears he didn't do it on purpose, but man he seemed to be enjoying himself.
Here's what he did and sometimes does. It pisses me off because it works so well, but it is pretty funny.
A conversation will be going on. Doesn't matter what the conversation is. M will throw out a line from a song or a quote from a movie, knowing that I will then totally lose track of the conversation while I try to figure out where the line came from.
Then, he will whip out his semi-INTAwebz capable phone and start looking up where the line came from as he will not know himself.
The race is who can come up with the right answer first.
If he was sporting an iPhone, I wouldn't even bother. He isn't. His phone browsing is almost as clunky as mine, which is very, very clunky.
Last night he messed me up completely because the quote he threw out, was misquoted.
He sang, in full on non-sequitur voice:

Listen to the money talk, money talk.
Listen to the money talk.

And claimed that it was Sheena Easton. I knew it was not Sheena Easton, but could not come up with from where it came. I spun widely and wildly away from the conversation, to the point where, even now, I have no idea at all what was being talked about before he interjected so.
It took 4 people, spread out over two tables to come up with the knowledge that the quote was actually:

Listen to your body talk, body talk.
Listen to your BODY, NOT MONEY, talk!!

Which of course is from Physical by Olivia Newton John. Duh.
This song has, for my money, one of the most disturbing videos ever.

Come on.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

this morning...

The snow turned into rain.
I said someone should start playing Auld Lang Syne.
Jenn didn't get it.