i've gone back and forth on this...

There is a guy who was laid off at my company. We're not in a money crunch or anything right now, but they use periodic lay-offs as a way to trim fat and dead weight, and the weight doesn't get any deader than this guy.
He spent a great deal of time on his cell phone with his, either wife or mother, or wife-mother. There was a lot of yelling, "But, I LOVE you!" and loud conversations that revealed relationship parts that really ought to be kept at home.
When I say he spent a lot of time on the phone, that really doesn't paint an appropriate picture. With no hyperbole at all, he spent every second he wasn't directly occupied by work, on the phone. In the hallway, in the stairway, in the elevator, the cafeteria, the coffee room, the smoking area outside, his car driving in, the bathroom stall... Seriously.
After I worked with him for a period of time, he moved into a customer facing position. I'm sure he was not able to stop the phone talking.
Beyond the phone talking, he was a dope-dork. It was clear that it wasn't going to work out. The only question was, how long was he going to last?

Well he didn't last long. On his last day, he wrote a farewell missive to his compatriots... Sorry for the language. I'm getting into the feeling of the letter he wrote. It is the most overwrought mess of trying too hard I have ever read.
He was not the type to burn his bridges. Sometimes, when you write a good bye letter, you end up burning them, but this dude was trying miserably to create bridges where ones had never been.
Obviously I am not dumb enough to use his name, but I am going to share with you most of his letter. Remember, I didn't write this crap.
Check it out:


To a great team of guys,

It is with a somewhat somber heart that I write this letter. I want
to thank each and everyone of you for the friendship, learning,
laughing, and teamwork. I have thoroughly enjoyed working with ya'll
getting to know some of you. I know that if (manager) could have kept us he
would have. He truly is one of the best managers I have ever had the
distinction of working with. I thank you from the bottom of my heart
(manager), you truly were a guiding example of an in tune, involved, and
shining manager.
(Holy crap what an opening! Is your dinner coming up yet?)

Manager: You are a man amongst men. (He really SAID THAT!) I have had in my lifetime, as short as it may be, a few occasions to find a boss with whom I not only
worked for but enjoyed working for, and who took an interest, truly,
in what I desired as well. I know it is not something you would have
chosen. I understand that these things happen in the course of life
and companies. Thank you for the bits of knowledge and insight you
passed on in the time I was with you. Know that you are an incredible
person and boss. Also know that I thank you for the opportunity and
taking me into a team that is so deep and letting me make my
contributions. (Good CHRIST! I hope he rented some scuba gear for his trip up that guy's ass.)

Some other guy: I definitely will miss you as you are a great person I have
enjoyed learning from you, working alongside you. Keep up the killer
work your efforts are definitely making waves. Keep working on the
classes outside of (company). And know that you made a tremendous impact on
me whether you know it or not. (Please know it whether you know it or not. Also please know that I know not the mysteries of this thing they call "the comma".)

Some other, other guy: I will always enjoy the time spent with you talking and learning the (business aspect) side of things. Especially lunches or
just chatting about work or not. (What?)

In closing please do not be strangers. Just as (manager) had an open door
policy. I have an open door policy as well. (See? The comma thing throws him off. Also, I am sure the rest of the team is infinitely comforted by your open door policy. As long as it isn't the door to the stall you are in while you are talking to your wife-mother.) I really hope ya'll
continue to do well as I know you can and do strive to do. My
personal email will be enclosed. Many, many thanks for your time.
Even more thank you for your camaraderie, friendship,(companionship, acquaintance, buddy-ness...) and help.


He's a poor thing and I really shouldn't be making fun of him, but come on, I mean, what was I gonna do?