archives II...

Here's an excerpt from some of the stand up comedy I did. Most of what I wrote then exceeds the no-vulgarity clause in effect in Swarveyland. This one skirts the clause, and the entire bit is not presented here and what is has been edited. The rest of it goes off in a weird direction that makes me kind of uncomfortable. However, I believe that's what I was going for.

One of the things I hate is when some guy feels the sudden urge to talk to me, and he’s naked. Thankfully this only usually happened in the gym locker room where I worked. Really it was only this one guy, but still.

“Say Eric, about that report…”

“Say Charlie, about those pants…”

“What pants?”

“Good question.”

Charlie would come out of the steam room and want to have a conversation. He’d just stand there, all naked and sweaty, legs apart. Very comfortable. He was just so comfortable with his nakedness and that is SO wrong. His comfortableness threw off the entire curve. So I’d say something and he’d ask if I was uncomfortable and I’d say yes.

I would say, “Tell me something. You have a towel around your neck, a towel over your shoulder and a towel in your left hand. You have three towels on you and yet your dick is still out. How is that?”

He would tell me he grew up in Iceland and there he was taught that there was nothing wrong with being naked. I would say “Let me, then, be the first to welcome you to the shores of America, where I can assure you there is something wrong with being naked. Especially with YOU being naked, now, in front of me where I can see how naked you are.

See, here’s the deal, my eyes are drawn to places they don’t want to go.”

Here’s what I mean by that. What he was doing was out of the norm. Our eyes are naturally drawn to that which is different. If I was talking to someone and they were juggling, it would be distracting, too. And I’d still be looking at the balls.