Lifes Changes Continued

I had a hard time finding this blog link because Swarvey changed the Icon to an "S" from the orange "B" for this blog thing.
So....were was I? I know what I feel is inconvienient but I can sum it all up into one statement. LISTEN REAL GOOD; if you have ever been here you will get it. That place where you've come to the harsh realization that THIS IS NOT the life you are supposed to be living. I had a choice once this hit me, ignor it, recognize it but hope it goes away or take action. I took action. This step was brought about by many things. I am sorry but I must go off on a tangent about what I am feeling right now. I am watching Video Soul and Jill Scott is on; MAN is she a powerfull woman; I feel her pain and joy so strong. So you must know, I am very much into the black culture and black woman. Go ahead... I have heard it all. Wann-a-be. Wigger. You have "Jungle Fever" Sisters need to stick with the brothers; the black man needs them more than
"the man". Blue eyed devel want to take the one thing the black man has in this white man's world. That is what the HATERS say. The lovers have no problem with me loving black women. What nobody seems to believe or understand about me is that I DO NOT discriminate. I love women with great souls and personality. It is true that I am in a position to be around 99% black but if a different "race" girl likes to vibe to what I like to vibe to and she got a good head on her shoulders, she's got just as much chance as the next sister. I doNOT have the "by any means necessary" mentality to hit those skins. How many caught the Malcom X quote? I digress. I want to talk about what I am going through with my marraige. I made my decision; to move out to leave her. It is SO real and serious. I do not do this lightly but I feel like if I do not do this my life is over. I said I did not want to make this a confession but I must say, in my 38 years I have never been in LOVE I have always, (in some way), settled for each and every....or did I convince myself that I was in love because I was lonely and didn't want to be alone? I ....I don't know. Either way it was not the real thing. At this point I feel like this. I have hurt my current wife and I have put my first wife through some stuff. I think it is my turn to get my heart stepped on. I am over due to be heart broken. I hope when it happens I live through it. I really did not mean to do these things but that does not change anything. I just want to be HAPPY. I want to be in LOVE. I want to meet "the one". At 38 you would think I would be much more realistic. There are people suffering unspeakable pain and anguish all around the world and I am worried about wanting to be in love. I think someone needs to get over himself. I will take a break from that and tell you, [the collective, (I have named y'all the collective), I do not mean any disrespect], a little about myself. As my cousin Swarvey so eloquently put it I am an old jock who let himself go. I am not totally gross though, and any athlete will understand that me in my worst shape can still kick most of y'all's asses in any sport you can choose. We old "out of shape athletes still have a muscle memory, stamina, and high tolerance for pain that most do not take into consideration when they look upon our Homer Simpson bodies. We can still "do that thang"; trust. I do not know where that came from. Maybe me speaking to myself. I think it was like an indirect pep-talk to myself more than a dis to all the peeps out there. I am a little narcissistic but look where it has gotten me. Can anyone feel me? My cousin makes people laugh I make people feel. I feel people too. It is weird. If I meet someone I can see and feel their orah or their spirit. Say what you want; it is real. God, (I know this makes some of you uncomfortable), gives different gifts to different people. Some are really smart and can memorize everything they see. Some are great mathematicians, scientists, or physically strong and some feel and see people's spirits. Why can't I see my own???? OK, I am done, dag, I hope I did not get my posting rights revoked with all this real pain. I just want to say one more thing. It takes a lot of strength and courage to pursue happiness. Why didn't anyone tell me this? Peace.